Give yourself grace
Life is over before we know it. No amount of control freak behavior can change that.
Thank you to all my new subscribers and those of you who have stayed with me on this journey.
I have an interview coming up for Widdoes Peak with the amazingly talented Hilary Hattenbach who writes the Substack In with the Old. She’s one of the funniest writers who writes about the process of aging with such an authentic voice. And she’s probably one of the best dressed people I’ve met via the internet. In addition to this, she’s a decent human being. Very excited about this one, which will be posted closer to the end of this month.
If I can fit in one more essay this month, it’ll likely be part two, which is about the impermanence of life and the necessary reminders we require to understand this. A turn toward memento mori, which works well with it being October, Halloween, Dia de los Muertos and all that.
Now, on the with the show…
From a young age, parts of my personality have been at odds with each other. One aspect of me can be quite exacting, perfectionistic and teetering on workaholism. This part of me is competitive. Then there is another aspect of me that really wants to take things easy, would love to live a life of leisure and to either not work at all or to work a job that does not require much effort. This part of me is often ignored, to my detriment.
Recently, my therapist provided me with an image that I ended up pinning to my wall at work. It basically sorts the things out of my control and things within my control. I needed a reminder of these things while I worked on a huge stage production that finally took place last week. I don’t often share what I do when I’m not writing, but I produce and project manage events / live productions for the public media organization I work for. I have both a background in theater and in creative writing, and often the two don’t have the opportunity to overlap (at least, not at my job).
I spent the past six months preparing for a one day event that drew over 10,000 people. I also stage managed the live performances. It was fun and this year I was able to upgrade the event with a video wall, which was exactly what our organization needed to show off the work we do. I share all of this because I’m currently in a fall frenzy of events, ranging from the new Ken Burns’ documentary screening to a mountain biking event. These events won’t stop until early December when it all culminates with a live on-air TV and digital pledge drive. This year the workload has increased exponentially due to the federal defunding.
I’ve been really hard on myself for not being able to find time or energy to commit to the writing projects I very much want to work on. I’ve come to a place where I often feel like I’m pushing myself to burnout. I’m often so tired after work now. So I’ve decided to step back a bit and give myself grace.
Here’s what I have made a promise to myself to do:
Find time in every day for wonder. Afterall, this is the reason for this newsletter.
Make time to decompress through more exercise and relaxation practices.
Spend far less time online. I think many of the issues we face are connected to being online almost all the time, training our brains to be like computers.
Eat better. Okay, so I actually eat relatively clean, but…I was pushing myself to fully embrace a strict plant based diet and it’s not right for my body.
Let go of expectations. This is a really hard one for me. My husband often chides me for having far too high expectations of others and expectations of my job. It’s what’s often led me to unhappiness.
Complain less. My therapist said that this kvetching is actually a cry for help. I need to figure out how to help myself though and not expect others to come to my aid.
Remind myself that while my job is rewarding in some regards, it doesn’t care or love me. It will never, ever be able to provide what I am seeking from it.
Practice more acceptance.
Give myself permission to rest and relax. Much more rest and relaxation time.
Find time in my day for joy and fun. Fill my days with small, beautiful moments of this.
I made a copy of the In My Control / Out of My Control and gave it to a work friend. This upcoming week is his last week with us. A few months ago, he broke down and shared with me that he likely wouldn’t survive the health issue he’s dealing with. It’s the reason he has decided to retire early. I’ve been spending time just listening to him whenever he stops by my office.
So much of what entangles and traps us is rooted in fear. Fear is also at the heart of control and perfectionism. I’ve not studied much Buddhism, but I know that attachment is said to be the root of our suffering. I’ve been encouraging my friend to just pack up everything and drive to the most beautiful place he’s ever visited in his life. To spend the rest of his days doing things that he wants to do and not worrying about the things that are compounding his suffering. While I don’t think I have the right to give him advice, I did give him the permission that I think he needed to hear. I also gave him a copy of “Hold Everything,” the poem by Dobby Gibson from his collection Hold Everything.
If you haven’t read this poem, which won the 2025 Four Quartets Prize, I recommend it. But you can’t find it online, only in his collection. It was well reviewed by Svetlana Litvinchuk in ONLY POEMS. You can read the full review here, but here is where Litvinchuk discusses the particular poem (so that you have a better sense as to why I gave it to my friend):
The title poem, “Hold Everything,” is a book within a book, a tribute to life composed of 16 modern sonnets. Here he highlights life’s arbitrary nature. From the disconnected moments that make up a day and the disconnected days that make up a life to the haphazardly placed objects and people with whom we share this planet, he showcases the way we ascribe a narrative and tease out the story of our lives to create a delightful meditation on how little everything matters and, at the same time, how nothing is too ordinary to be meaningful.
When I was reading the poem, I couldn’t help but think of my friend. A few weeks prior he’d shown me beautiful photos of a cruise he’d taken to Greece and Italy before the pandemic. I’d told him he would hopefully get a chance to revisit them once he recovered from his illness he was battling. That’s when he shook his head. I knew what that headshake meant because I lost my mom to this same illness. There comes a point when there is only so much that can be done to save the body from its fate. I remember holding onto hope that perhaps the doctors were wrong; that maybe my mom would be the rare case to spontaneously recover and return to remission. My friend has accepted things though, as much as one can accept that life is impermanent and that his time is likely coming to an end.
I have to remind myself constantly about this impermanence whenever I feel ungrateful. Whenever I begin to push myself so hard that I no longer sense any joy in what I’m doing or any joy in this world. Whenever I’m pissed off and let down because things are not working out the way I’d wanted them to. Believe me, this year has been filled with one let down after the other. Whenever people disappoint me in the way people often disappoint each other, all because I expect too much. Being less rigid and more forgiving - of both others and myself - is something I need to continue to learn, again and again. It goes against my ingrained habits of the exacting part of my personality. My friend has taught me something about this, even though he doesn’t know it yet. I can only hope that I’ve provided some solace to him in return.
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Want to check out more of my work before subscribing?
Here’s my most recent Widdoes Peak interview with artist Terri Lloyd. You can check out other Widdoes Peak Interviews here.
Interested in poetry? Check out An Essay in the Form of a House and Meditations on Love in a Time of Fear and How to Talk to the Dead.
More interested in nonfiction / personal essays? Check out The Riptide and Don’t Let it Bring You Down.
Would love to hear from you.
The spending far less time online one is 👌👌👌
Oyyyy, fear, expectations, attachment, control or lack thereof are big topics in my world too. Well said 👏